I decided it would be easiest to organize my thoughts if I wrote about my postpartum depression/anxiety journey in parts: pre-kids, pregnancy and postpartum with Violet, June and Rosie. For me, my experience with PPD with each one has been a little bit different. And obviously, before kids, I can’t really call it PPD, but I wanted to be sure and talk about that too.
So here it is, my pre- kid journey.
Before pregnancy, I was an anxious person. I’ve always been what I would consider a worrier (which I hate about myself)—there is no getting around it. I’ve come to realize it’s quite possible that it’s just part of my make-up, bred into me, I guess. I have tried everything in my power to get around it and NOT worry, but I’ve learned there is no way to change my personality. Prior to my dad passing though, I would worry about what I considered normal things- school, work, finances etc. Fear and everything that came with it started creep into other areas of my life (esp. health related) after my dad passed away suddenly in 2009. Looking back I reminded myself a lot of Veda from My girl. I was constantly going into the doctor and jumping to conclusions. If I had the stomach flu, I had colon cancer. If I had a headache, I had a brain tumor. The list goes on. I would even cause myself to experience symptoms that even I couldn’t figure out were real or made up. Because my dad passed away from an enlarged heart, all of us 5 kids had to go in for an entire cardiac work up (which in it of itself about caused me a heart attack). I thought for sure my results would come back that I was dying and had the same thing he did. They didn’t. I was fine—more than fine actually. I didn’t have high blood pressure, my echo came back great, and I my blood work was nearly perfect. I wasn’t dying, but I felt like it.
In 2009 I met my husband and remember him saying that he didn’t want to marry someone that worried so much. I made it my goal to “fix myself” and even tricked myself for a short time into thinking that I didn’t worry anymore; that I magically became this different person. I was wrong and he married me anyway. And as far as I know, he loves me just the way I am. In fact, he helped me more than I think anyone could have at that time. He is what really started my relationship with God. I remember he bought me this book called “Captivating” , and it was what opened my eyes up to God’s realness. It was that book that made me realize how God really does work for the good of those who follow and believe. There was a brief time there when I found myself angry with God. I was frustrated for taking my dad away at such a young age (47) and had an overwhelming question of why. Why me? Why OUR family?
Although I still don’t have those questions answered, I have a better sense of peace about losing my dad. I know he is in a better place and I will be reunited with him some day. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about what life would be like if he were still alive. I even find myself fantasizing about how wonderful it would be for my girls to meet their grandpa. When I am having a bad day or a hard time making a decision, I send God a prayer and ask for him to give me a sign. Usually my sign comes in the form of something that would remind me of my dad. Something that gives me comfort and calms my anxiety. One of my favorite answered prayers came in the form of another book. My husband (fiancé at the time) and I were in Boyne City and I stumbled upon a small book called “Jesus Calling”. After simply reading the cover, I decided to buy the book. This book has been life-changing. It is my single most used tool for getting through an anxious moment. I have since bought the collection and have “Jesus Today” and “Jesus Lives “as well. Jesus Calling is a daily devotional that I do my best to read every day. The other two I usually say a prayer, and ask that God answers me through the words of this book. He never disappoints. These books have been the single best tool in helping me cope with my struggles with fear. Hearing God’s wisdom through the words written in these books has been some of my best medicine.
Before kids, as long as I had something to keep me and my mind busy, my anxiety kept at bay. With prayer and the help of sisters, friends and Christian Radio, I managed to control my symptoms (racing heart and mind, shakiness, sweaty palms, etc.) ... until I got pregnant. And that brings me to my next post.
Stay Tuned... 
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